I keep going back and forth about my feelings on moving up here. One minute I am so happy! I look at Robby and just see that he is happier here. Then I think about how lonely I truly am.
This is all things I just have to get use to I guess. I know ill eventually make friends and not be trapped in this mental prison. But eventually feels like an eternity.
Yesterday I got on Kooper for the first time in a couple weeks. I had Robby lead him around just in case. I practiced stopping and moving forward and he was perfect. I kept feeling guilty the whole time I was riding him because of how fat I am. Uhhh yuck. But he did amazing and I see his potential shining through!
Today was kind of a boring day. I spent some time with Robby’s mom which is always nice. But I still felt so empty inside. I spent almost the whole day doing laundry at Robby’s mom’s place. I thought it would be a good idea to do it there since it would be free. But since I did not have the ability to use multiple machines at once, It took me nearly all day. We ended up barely finishing it as the day light was turning in for the day. Which means I failed at getting Kooper worked. It was totally almost dark by the time I finished and I don’t feel safe going at our ranch at night, even with Robby there. I better not miss any more ranch days for a while or this horse will never get trained. I really hope that this did not mess up the progress I have made in the past couple of days.
With the horse not getting worked, It made me feel like a failure. Then I started to dwell on other things that make me feel like a failure, such as my current weight. I am really slowly getting back to being on the obese side. I go on facebook and see pictures of all my naturally skinny friends and it makes me sad. I also look at Robby who can eat whatever he wants and I turn green with envy. Yet I think about eating a burger and I gain 5 pounds. I keep trying to diet and do online programs. But none of it works for me. The only thing that ever worked and gave me confidence was going in for weekly weight watchers meetings. I would love to start doing that again but I need a reliable ride to make the same meeting every week. And I am going to make it work even if I have to take the bus! And I hate taking the bus alone….
On another note I just can’t stop thinking about owning a dog. I am truly a dog person! Always have been. Every time I see someone walking a dog my heart melts and then I feel sad because I want one so badly. I would give anything to have one! I would feel so much better if I had a dog. I know it would not solve all my emotional issues I am having right now. But I would feel SO MUCH BETTER! And there definitely would be a spring in my step. Dear God if you are there, please bless me with a canine friend. I would be eternally grateful and happy. I will do anything for a dog!
Anyway I am going to bed.
Hopefully I’ll wake up and there will be a puppy on my doorstep...
sigh
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